Been a long day

Things have changed so much since my last post.

I feel almost like a different person.... it's bizarre.

I was made to join a blog for my Anthro class, and I'm really nervous that people are going to find this blog. I liked it because it was private... now who knows who will read it.

Maybe I'll make it private for awhile.
Hmm.

Facing Myself

I haven't been writing lately... cause bad thing after bad thing keeps happening and I have no idea how I'm supposed to deal with it, or keep pretending that I'm happy when all I want to do is cry all the time. And I know people are getting tired of me and bored with my whining but I can't seem to focus on anything else and it's just... so hard.

Since I know no one reads this I'm just going to say everything. The other day... It was Tuesday night I believe... I got this text from Ryan being like Question. And I was at a callback so I didn't get it for like two hours... and whatever none of this matters at all... but what does matter is he wants nothing to do with me. I'm not allowed to text him, or talk to him, or go over to his house... I bend over backwards for three years and just get tossed aside...

I came on here originally to type everything out, but after seeing Into the Woods tonight I just can't stop crying and I can't even bring myself to write about it... but there's two lines in the show that I just can't get over... both which Bailey sings and she does it so well and I just... couldn't deal with it tonight. "What is wrong with me mother?? Something must be wrong..." and "People make mistakes... yada yada... but no one is alone"

And I made a mistake and other people got involved and now I don't have my best friend and he said cruel things but I want nothing else than for it to just go back to before and he hates me and I can't even deal with myself. It's way too fucking hard and I'm just no good at it. I make way too many mistakes and I need to change and I'm so pathetic and this all just... sucks.

And all the plans I had for Halloween got blown up... and everyones out doing fun things but I wasn't invited to ANYTHING which of course just makes me feel absolutely wonderful about myself. So I'll be sitting at home. Alone. With no friends or anything to do... and everyone else will be having fun and I can't even talk to my best friend about it...


and just... what is wrong with me? Something must be wrong...

So Done

I'm so sick of people right now. And I'm so sick of feeling discluded, and feeling like shit, and like I'm worthless. Because I'm not. And I shouldn't have to feel that way. I wish I could just cut certain people out of my life... but when they're so embedded in not only my life, but all of my friends lives.

I try to be a good friend. I give my EVERYTHING to people. And hardly get anything in return. It's exhausting, and it makes me feel so worthless about myself. No one can ever seem to give me the fucking time of day, when I give them the entire year.

I guess I'm just not the kind of person worth appreciating.

Settling

I got honked at twice today. I loved my outfit so much. Which is fabulous since obviously I bought it to love it. I just... felt good about myself today. It was nice. And Marisa got me a Jamba gift card as a belated birthday present and I loved it sooo much cause omgah I love Jamba.

Need to find more time to practice my guitar... luckily my teacher gave me a bunch of tips tonight. I just have to execute them. I feel really boring right now cause I don't have much to say. I'm annoyed because I tried to make plans with people, and none of them answered... and then after awhile once it happened the third time I just got sad. Like what the hell is wrong with me. I know it isn't my friends- they're wonderful people. I'm not self absorbed enough to think that everyone else is the problem... I just need to figure out what mine is, I guess.

I wish I knew the magic words to make someone happy again after a break up. I always feel stupid because I never know what to say, other than I'm sorry and I feel bad. And I love when people talk to me and that wasn't the problem... I just felt so stupid not knowing how to respond.

And then when my other friend started asking about sex advice... I don't know. I had a great day with just kind of a downer ending. Cause I felt bad for one friend, and then I answered and gave advice to the other one but I'm just so tired of feeling jealous and bitter... I just want to find someone, to find something like my friends have. And I know who I want it with more than anything, and know that it isn't going to happen so I just battle with my head to get over it and it's exhausting. I still can't imagine how fucking upset I'm going to be when he goes to a dance with someone else... ugh.

Still haven't heard from Target... last time they emailed me a day later saying they didn't have a job for me, so I dunno, I'm HOPING that the length means I'm being considered. Also re-applied for Safeway, but I know you have to actually GO IN and talk to someone and I'd rather work at Target so that's kinda a back up... Also applying for Wet Seal tomorrow just cause. I need a job so bad. Blech.

Wearing purple tomorrow, and getting a streak dyed into my hair. I wanted to do it anyway, so the timing felt right.

"Being gay isn't voluntary- Hate is"

Happy Days

Today was a pretty fabulous day. Just overall everything went okay. It was pretty nice. I skipped one of my classes cause I just didn't feel like going, the other ones went pretty well and I got a good math test grade and it was just... nice. And then after school, I met with my friend Mandy and we had just a wonderful afternoon!

We went for Pad Thai and into a couple fun stores around downtown, and walked around the lake... just being gossipy and talking and it was just so nice. I love feeling like I have friends... haha. We went all around the mall [cause we're cool] and bought SO MANY THINGS. I tried to find a good bra and it didn't work out... but we bought so much sassy underwear and I bought some really cute clothes, and we went to Plato's Closet and it was just wonderful! I've become somewhat of a shoppaholic lately... but it's been making me feel so much better about myself... I mean.. I know that sounds so incredibly selfish and rude and self absorbed and so many other things... but it's just part of me trying to focus on myself for a bit- instead of trying to make everything in my life about other people. All these clothes make me feel good about myself, and happy. So that's what I'm doing.

Me and Mandy just watched The Ring, and are watching an episode of Friends now to counterbalance how freaked out we are. I'm so tired though haha.


What I need to say to someone: What am I to you? Am I just another friend? Like just any of them? Or am I still your best friend? Because I used to be someone special to you... and now I don't really feel like I am anymore. I just wanna know. I miss what we had...

Need sleep. Wearing a cute outfit tomorrow =] excited! Have to call Sylvia tomorrow, drop off all the props at the playhouse, call the vet, actually REMEMBER I have a night class... I feel like there was more, but I don't remember...

Still wish I could meet someone.

An Interesting Look

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approximately. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.
4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.
6 minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.
10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.
45 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.
1 hour:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.
This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities.
The questions raised:
*In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
*Do we stop to appreciate it?
*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made…
How many other things are we missing?

.

I'm lonely.