I haven't been writing lately... cause bad thing after bad thing keeps happening and I have no idea how I'm supposed to deal with it, or keep pretending that I'm happy when all I want to do is cry all the time. And I know people are getting tired of me and bored with my whining but I can't seem to focus on anything else and it's just... so hard.
Since I know no one reads this I'm just going to say everything. The other day... It was Tuesday night I believe... I got this text from Ryan being like Question. And I was at a callback so I didn't get it for like two hours... and whatever none of this matters at all... but what does matter is he wants nothing to do with me. I'm not allowed to text him, or talk to him, or go over to his house... I bend over backwards for three years and just get tossed aside...
I came on here originally to type everything out, but after seeing Into the Woods tonight I just can't stop crying and I can't even bring myself to write about it... but there's two lines in the show that I just can't get over... both which Bailey sings and she does it so well and I just... couldn't deal with it tonight. "What is wrong with me mother?? Something must be wrong..." and "People make mistakes... yada yada... but no one is alone"
And I made a mistake and other people got involved and now I don't have my best friend and he said cruel things but I want nothing else than for it to just go back to before and he hates me and I can't even deal with myself. It's way too fucking hard and I'm just no good at it. I make way too many mistakes and I need to change and I'm so pathetic and this all just... sucks.
And all the plans I had for Halloween got blown up... and everyones out doing fun things but I wasn't invited to ANYTHING which of course just makes me feel absolutely wonderful about myself. So I'll be sitting at home. Alone. With no friends or anything to do... and everyone else will be having fun and I can't even talk to my best friend about it...
and just... what is wrong with me? Something must be wrong...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
So Done
I'm so sick of people right now. And I'm so sick of feeling discluded, and feeling like shit, and like I'm worthless. Because I'm not. And I shouldn't have to feel that way. I wish I could just cut certain people out of my life... but when they're so embedded in not only my life, but all of my friends lives.
I try to be a good friend. I give my EVERYTHING to people. And hardly get anything in return. It's exhausting, and it makes me feel so worthless about myself. No one can ever seem to give me the fucking time of day, when I give them the entire year.
I guess I'm just not the kind of person worth appreciating.
I try to be a good friend. I give my EVERYTHING to people. And hardly get anything in return. It's exhausting, and it makes me feel so worthless about myself. No one can ever seem to give me the fucking time of day, when I give them the entire year.
I guess I'm just not the kind of person worth appreciating.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Settling
I got honked at twice today. I loved my outfit so much. Which is fabulous since obviously I bought it to love it. I just... felt good about myself today. It was nice. And Marisa got me a Jamba gift card as a belated birthday present and I loved it sooo much cause omgah I love Jamba.
Need to find more time to practice my guitar... luckily my teacher gave me a bunch of tips tonight. I just have to execute them. I feel really boring right now cause I don't have much to say. I'm annoyed because I tried to make plans with people, and none of them answered... and then after awhile once it happened the third time I just got sad. Like what the hell is wrong with me. I know it isn't my friends- they're wonderful people. I'm not self absorbed enough to think that everyone else is the problem... I just need to figure out what mine is, I guess.
I wish I knew the magic words to make someone happy again after a break up. I always feel stupid because I never know what to say, other than I'm sorry and I feel bad. And I love when people talk to me and that wasn't the problem... I just felt so stupid not knowing how to respond.
And then when my other friend started asking about sex advice... I don't know. I had a great day with just kind of a downer ending. Cause I felt bad for one friend, and then I answered and gave advice to the other one but I'm just so tired of feeling jealous and bitter... I just want to find someone, to find something like my friends have. And I know who I want it with more than anything, and know that it isn't going to happen so I just battle with my head to get over it and it's exhausting. I still can't imagine how fucking upset I'm going to be when he goes to a dance with someone else... ugh.
Still haven't heard from Target... last time they emailed me a day later saying they didn't have a job for me, so I dunno, I'm HOPING that the length means I'm being considered. Also re-applied for Safeway, but I know you have to actually GO IN and talk to someone and I'd rather work at Target so that's kinda a back up... Also applying for Wet Seal tomorrow just cause. I need a job so bad. Blech.
Wearing purple tomorrow, and getting a streak dyed into my hair. I wanted to do it anyway, so the timing felt right.
"Being gay isn't voluntary- Hate is"
Need to find more time to practice my guitar... luckily my teacher gave me a bunch of tips tonight. I just have to execute them. I feel really boring right now cause I don't have much to say. I'm annoyed because I tried to make plans with people, and none of them answered... and then after awhile once it happened the third time I just got sad. Like what the hell is wrong with me. I know it isn't my friends- they're wonderful people. I'm not self absorbed enough to think that everyone else is the problem... I just need to figure out what mine is, I guess.
I wish I knew the magic words to make someone happy again after a break up. I always feel stupid because I never know what to say, other than I'm sorry and I feel bad. And I love when people talk to me and that wasn't the problem... I just felt so stupid not knowing how to respond.
And then when my other friend started asking about sex advice... I don't know. I had a great day with just kind of a downer ending. Cause I felt bad for one friend, and then I answered and gave advice to the other one but I'm just so tired of feeling jealous and bitter... I just want to find someone, to find something like my friends have. And I know who I want it with more than anything, and know that it isn't going to happen so I just battle with my head to get over it and it's exhausting. I still can't imagine how fucking upset I'm going to be when he goes to a dance with someone else... ugh.
Still haven't heard from Target... last time they emailed me a day later saying they didn't have a job for me, so I dunno, I'm HOPING that the length means I'm being considered. Also re-applied for Safeway, but I know you have to actually GO IN and talk to someone and I'd rather work at Target so that's kinda a back up... Also applying for Wet Seal tomorrow just cause. I need a job so bad. Blech.
Wearing purple tomorrow, and getting a streak dyed into my hair. I wanted to do it anyway, so the timing felt right.
"Being gay isn't voluntary- Hate is"
Monday, October 18, 2010
Happy Days
Today was a pretty fabulous day. Just overall everything went okay. It was pretty nice. I skipped one of my classes cause I just didn't feel like going, the other ones went pretty well and I got a good math test grade and it was just... nice. And then after school, I met with my friend Mandy and we had just a wonderful afternoon!
We went for Pad Thai and into a couple fun stores around downtown, and walked around the lake... just being gossipy and talking and it was just so nice. I love feeling like I have friends... haha. We went all around the mall [cause we're cool] and bought SO MANY THINGS. I tried to find a good bra and it didn't work out... but we bought so much sassy underwear and I bought some really cute clothes, and we went to Plato's Closet and it was just wonderful! I've become somewhat of a shoppaholic lately... but it's been making me feel so much better about myself... I mean.. I know that sounds so incredibly selfish and rude and self absorbed and so many other things... but it's just part of me trying to focus on myself for a bit- instead of trying to make everything in my life about other people. All these clothes make me feel good about myself, and happy. So that's what I'm doing.
Me and Mandy just watched The Ring, and are watching an episode of Friends now to counterbalance how freaked out we are. I'm so tired though haha.
What I need to say to someone: What am I to you? Am I just another friend? Like just any of them? Or am I still your best friend? Because I used to be someone special to you... and now I don't really feel like I am anymore. I just wanna know. I miss what we had...
Need sleep. Wearing a cute outfit tomorrow =] excited! Have to call Sylvia tomorrow, drop off all the props at the playhouse, call the vet, actually REMEMBER I have a night class... I feel like there was more, but I don't remember...
Still wish I could meet someone.
We went for Pad Thai and into a couple fun stores around downtown, and walked around the lake... just being gossipy and talking and it was just so nice. I love feeling like I have friends... haha. We went all around the mall [cause we're cool] and bought SO MANY THINGS. I tried to find a good bra and it didn't work out... but we bought so much sassy underwear and I bought some really cute clothes, and we went to Plato's Closet and it was just wonderful! I've become somewhat of a shoppaholic lately... but it's been making me feel so much better about myself... I mean.. I know that sounds so incredibly selfish and rude and self absorbed and so many other things... but it's just part of me trying to focus on myself for a bit- instead of trying to make everything in my life about other people. All these clothes make me feel good about myself, and happy. So that's what I'm doing.
Me and Mandy just watched The Ring, and are watching an episode of Friends now to counterbalance how freaked out we are. I'm so tired though haha.
What I need to say to someone: What am I to you? Am I just another friend? Like just any of them? Or am I still your best friend? Because I used to be someone special to you... and now I don't really feel like I am anymore. I just wanna know. I miss what we had...
Need sleep. Wearing a cute outfit tomorrow =] excited! Have to call Sylvia tomorrow, drop off all the props at the playhouse, call the vet, actually REMEMBER I have a night class... I feel like there was more, but I don't remember...
Still wish I could meet someone.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
An Interesting Look
Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approximately. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.
4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.
6 minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.
10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.
45 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.
1 hour:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.
This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities.
The questions raised:
*In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
*Do we stop to appreciate it?
*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made…
How many other things are we missing?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
New beginnings
This is going to be a long one.
I met my grandpa for the first time today. And even though I know not s a single person will read this, I just have to explain it anyway. My dad and mom split when I was about 6 months old. My dad was adopted, and had two sisters. In the crazy small world that this is- one of them happens to be really good friends with Kris Garrett, who is my friends mom. I don't really know the specifics... because my dad never talked about his family, but he didn't like them. Between doing drugs and getting drunk all the time, and spending time in jail... I guess my dad just had different interests than them. But I went the last 18 years of my life thinking both my grandparents on my dads side were dead. My moms side of my family I know every single person like the back of my hand and we're all close... my dads side... are practically strangers. Denis, my dads dad, had a stroke a little while ago. And we thought we were going to lose him. My mom knew he was alive, but didn't tell me, because every year she would send a Christmas card with my picture in it to no response, so she thought better I think him dead than think that he didn't care about me...
But when my dad moved to Chicago a couple months ago, and Denis had his stroke, I think something broke through to Denis... that he didn't have to hide anymore. And he wrote me a letter, upon receiving a graduation announcement. He explained how sorry he was that he had never met me, and that my dad had threatened him if he ever contacted me. He wrote how my dad was immature and selfish, and that he wished he hadn't have listened. Better late then never, right? And I was so afraid that when he had his stroke I was going to lose him before I got a chance to meet him. I was so scared. And I was determined to see him. He was so nice. I was so nervous to meet him... I wanted him to like me. And I wanted to be someone he'd be proud of... which is hard when you don't have much to show... he knows I'm into theater, but how am I supposed to explain to him that I'm never leads? That I'm not really someone people think of as "good"? Community College? I don't know... I was just nervous. But I got to sit next to him and he told silly jokes and was so interested in my life and he was the cutest little old man and he reminded me of my dad so much... they didn't ask about my dad the entire two plus hours... they avoided bringing him up. Like he was taboo. I love my dad. I love my dad a lot... but he isn't the person I always idolized him to be when I was younger...
But, after that, I picked Nick up and we went to the mall, where I bought perfume [after me and Nick smelt pretty much every single one] and really cute BOOTS :] which I am super excited for. I still can't wait til all my clothes come. I almost got my ears pierced again.. but I still have to decide what I want.
And I bought some candy for the little ones who were all so excited about it haha. Closing night went super well! They kinda sped through their lines, but they didn't skip anything and I did better on the lights and strike was super easy and it was just magical =] I love them all so much, and am so sad! This four months with them seriously raced by. We went to Dairy Queen after the show [we being me and a whole bunch of 6th graders hahaha] and I sat with them and we played games and sang songs and they were all talking about how much they loved me and how I was the best stage manager ever. I know they're just little kids but I loved them all so much and was so proud of them and it really just meant a lot for them to say all that. We have a get together October 28th, though =] so it's never goodbye, just see you later!
My mom is making me apply to Target. Which I love... until I found out about them donating shit tons of money to anti gay rights. I was like TARGET WHAT THE HELL. But... I REALLY need a job, and since the playhouse isn't paying me minimum wage, my mom is kinda refusing to let me keep working there... so I don't know. That sucks. I mean... I agree with her, and I really wanna be making money and stuff, but I love stage managing and kids so much, and it's theater and I've wanted to work for the playhouse forever and it's just been an incredible experience! And I wanna do all the other SOS shows... but now I have to explain to the director [who will not be pleased] that I pretty much get to work for minimum wage... or not at all. And since South Bay has already said they want to hire me back again... idk. I think it would suck for them to lose me, but if they can find someone else, who will actually work for 2 dollars under minimum wage... good for them, I guess. I still haven't gotten paid at all yet, either...
I have found out recently that my new love for wanting to look cute and buy stuff that makes me happy has lead to a kinda shoppaholic nature haha... I'm going shopping again tomorrow... oh man :] thiiiiiiiiiis is why I need a job. Haha.
Seeing Frog and Toad tomorrow =] then hopefully coffee with some lovelies. My life is going to seem so boring and weird without SOS now. Sigh. Definitely need to get my own gym membership now.
I met my grandpa for the first time today. And even though I know not s a single person will read this, I just have to explain it anyway. My dad and mom split when I was about 6 months old. My dad was adopted, and had two sisters. In the crazy small world that this is- one of them happens to be really good friends with Kris Garrett, who is my friends mom. I don't really know the specifics... because my dad never talked about his family, but he didn't like them. Between doing drugs and getting drunk all the time, and spending time in jail... I guess my dad just had different interests than them. But I went the last 18 years of my life thinking both my grandparents on my dads side were dead. My moms side of my family I know every single person like the back of my hand and we're all close... my dads side... are practically strangers. Denis, my dads dad, had a stroke a little while ago. And we thought we were going to lose him. My mom knew he was alive, but didn't tell me, because every year she would send a Christmas card with my picture in it to no response, so she thought better I think him dead than think that he didn't care about me...
But when my dad moved to Chicago a couple months ago, and Denis had his stroke, I think something broke through to Denis... that he didn't have to hide anymore. And he wrote me a letter, upon receiving a graduation announcement. He explained how sorry he was that he had never met me, and that my dad had threatened him if he ever contacted me. He wrote how my dad was immature and selfish, and that he wished he hadn't have listened. Better late then never, right? And I was so afraid that when he had his stroke I was going to lose him before I got a chance to meet him. I was so scared. And I was determined to see him. He was so nice. I was so nervous to meet him... I wanted him to like me. And I wanted to be someone he'd be proud of... which is hard when you don't have much to show... he knows I'm into theater, but how am I supposed to explain to him that I'm never leads? That I'm not really someone people think of as "good"? Community College? I don't know... I was just nervous. But I got to sit next to him and he told silly jokes and was so interested in my life and he was the cutest little old man and he reminded me of my dad so much... they didn't ask about my dad the entire two plus hours... they avoided bringing him up. Like he was taboo. I love my dad. I love my dad a lot... but he isn't the person I always idolized him to be when I was younger...
But, after that, I picked Nick up and we went to the mall, where I bought perfume [after me and Nick smelt pretty much every single one] and really cute BOOTS :] which I am super excited for. I still can't wait til all my clothes come. I almost got my ears pierced again.. but I still have to decide what I want.
And I bought some candy for the little ones who were all so excited about it haha. Closing night went super well! They kinda sped through their lines, but they didn't skip anything and I did better on the lights and strike was super easy and it was just magical =] I love them all so much, and am so sad! This four months with them seriously raced by. We went to Dairy Queen after the show [we being me and a whole bunch of 6th graders hahaha] and I sat with them and we played games and sang songs and they were all talking about how much they loved me and how I was the best stage manager ever. I know they're just little kids but I loved them all so much and was so proud of them and it really just meant a lot for them to say all that. We have a get together October 28th, though =] so it's never goodbye, just see you later!
My mom is making me apply to Target. Which I love... until I found out about them donating shit tons of money to anti gay rights. I was like TARGET WHAT THE HELL. But... I REALLY need a job, and since the playhouse isn't paying me minimum wage, my mom is kinda refusing to let me keep working there... so I don't know. That sucks. I mean... I agree with her, and I really wanna be making money and stuff, but I love stage managing and kids so much, and it's theater and I've wanted to work for the playhouse forever and it's just been an incredible experience! And I wanna do all the other SOS shows... but now I have to explain to the director [who will not be pleased] that I pretty much get to work for minimum wage... or not at all. And since South Bay has already said they want to hire me back again... idk. I think it would suck for them to lose me, but if they can find someone else, who will actually work for 2 dollars under minimum wage... good for them, I guess. I still haven't gotten paid at all yet, either...
I have found out recently that my new love for wanting to look cute and buy stuff that makes me happy has lead to a kinda shoppaholic nature haha... I'm going shopping again tomorrow... oh man :] thiiiiiiiiiis is why I need a job. Haha.
Seeing Frog and Toad tomorrow =] then hopefully coffee with some lovelies. My life is going to seem so boring and weird without SOS now. Sigh. Definitely need to get my own gym membership now.
Meeting
The show went absolutely beautifully! I am seriously so proud of every single one of them. They are all so adorable and the show just went so well and I just... BAH. Soooo good. And I got to have my face painted with all of them and I love it and yay =]
I meet my grandpa for the first time tomorrow. After thinking he was dead for the last 19 years of my life... this is going to be really strange. I'm excited, but I'm nervous, and I just really want him to like me... I just grew up so much with just my moms side that sometimes I don't even realize I have other aunts and stuff. Like my friend Celina is dating my cousin Julian, who I literally have seen maybe 3 times my entire life, even though he lives in Olympia, and I complimented her necklace the other day to the response "oh thanks! Your aunt made it" which just struck me because again... I'm sure she's an absolutely wonderful woman, but I don't think I'd consider her an aunt... it's just strange. And the lunch tomorrow is going to be my grandpa Denis, and my dads two sisters Jenine and Enid. Enid who was also a mystery until about a year ago when she added me on facebook. She came to my grad party and it was the first time I had ever met her. I feel like I might cry tomorrow, but I don't know... I just really hope they like me...
In other news, I took my friend Marisa to Lovers Package today hahahaha cause she told me if I could find a glow in the dark condom she would have to use it. Pahaha I succeeded. And then we spent 30 minutes just walking around and being immature tards with all the stuff. It was great to just spend time with her, even if it was silly. Then Sierra cancelled on me. Which sucked... but it happens. I was just really looking forward to it, because I can have good, serious talks with her that I can't really have with many other people. I really admire her maturity... so it was disappointing. But she promised a reschedule, so that's good at least.
Ivy is sleeping on my chest and making it really hard for me to see the screen. My baby is ADORABLE, but a tad bit insane. Also her ear keeps twitching as I breath on it and that truly can't be comfortable. But she's all pressed up against my cheek and so soft <3 yes.
I suppose I should sleep. Tomorrow is going to be so insane. Tap, lunch, adventures with Nick, then the show [which will be draining cause it's strike and I will most likely cry]
I really wish this boy wasn't mormon. Because he is proving to be an insanely sweet, wonderful guy who is genuinely seeming into me. I just really don't think it could work out having such insanely different morals... hell. I helped my friend pick out condoms today. It just sucks, but hey! Guy friends still rock... right?
I meet my grandpa for the first time tomorrow. After thinking he was dead for the last 19 years of my life... this is going to be really strange. I'm excited, but I'm nervous, and I just really want him to like me... I just grew up so much with just my moms side that sometimes I don't even realize I have other aunts and stuff. Like my friend Celina is dating my cousin Julian, who I literally have seen maybe 3 times my entire life, even though he lives in Olympia, and I complimented her necklace the other day to the response "oh thanks! Your aunt made it" which just struck me because again... I'm sure she's an absolutely wonderful woman, but I don't think I'd consider her an aunt... it's just strange. And the lunch tomorrow is going to be my grandpa Denis, and my dads two sisters Jenine and Enid. Enid who was also a mystery until about a year ago when she added me on facebook. She came to my grad party and it was the first time I had ever met her. I feel like I might cry tomorrow, but I don't know... I just really hope they like me...
In other news, I took my friend Marisa to Lovers Package today hahahaha cause she told me if I could find a glow in the dark condom she would have to use it. Pahaha I succeeded. And then we spent 30 minutes just walking around and being immature tards with all the stuff. It was great to just spend time with her, even if it was silly. Then Sierra cancelled on me. Which sucked... but it happens. I was just really looking forward to it, because I can have good, serious talks with her that I can't really have with many other people. I really admire her maturity... so it was disappointing. But she promised a reschedule, so that's good at least.
Ivy is sleeping on my chest and making it really hard for me to see the screen. My baby is ADORABLE, but a tad bit insane. Also her ear keeps twitching as I breath on it and that truly can't be comfortable. But she's all pressed up against my cheek and so soft <3 yes.
I suppose I should sleep. Tomorrow is going to be so insane. Tap, lunch, adventures with Nick, then the show [which will be draining cause it's strike and I will most likely cry]
I really wish this boy wasn't mormon. Because he is proving to be an insanely sweet, wonderful guy who is genuinely seeming into me. I just really don't think it could work out having such insanely different morals... hell. I helped my friend pick out condoms today. It just sucks, but hey! Guy friends still rock... right?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Missing You
I only had my first two classes today, which was insanely great because I got out of school before noon. I was thinking about writing a blog dedicated to Sarah and how much I missed her... but no less than 3 seconds after I stepped into my house she called me!! She was listening to the radio and Come Sail Away was on [one of our many songs] and she was going to leave me a silly voicemail cause she thought I was in class, but NOPE. Then we skyped for 2 hours =] we've talked so much since she moved, it hardly feels like she's gone. Still wish I could call her and have stupid movie nights all the time... but she's happy where she is, a lot happier [family wise] than she was here and it's just better. I just miss my best friend! She is literally the one person I can tell EVERY SINGLE THING to, and she just is so much like me and I'm never going to find a friend like her ever again. Just sucks =[
I spent around $250 on clothes today. All part of my make me feel better about myself project. Which I know sounds so insanely selfish... but I've spent so much of my life lately living for other people. Living for the APPROVAL of other people. I just need to stop worrying about everyone else, and get my life in order. Make me comfortable with myself again.
I wrote this entire paragraph and deleted it because I can't seem to word correctly what I'm trying to say. The boy I met is mormon. I respect people who believe in god... religion, I am not a big fan of. I think people can take the belief in something spiritual and go too far. I wish you could believe in god, and live a good life, and work to be a good person without having so many limits and insanities and closed minded-ness. Me? I don't even believe in god. But I try and respect everyone's different beliefs. And I have friends of all different kinds of backgrounds and religions. And I'm okay with dating someone who is spiritual or believes in god. For me, being an athiest, I just don't think I could forge a relationship with someone's who's beliefs are the total polar opposite of mine. I try to lead a good life. I try to be nice to everyone I meet, love openly... I don't know. I have morals, despite not believing in a higher power. I feel like the word "athiest" comes with so much negativity... I don't know. But it was a slight disappointment cause he's an incredibly sweet guy, and I could have definitely been interested. Ah well. Such is life.
I realized again tonight how much I'm going to miss these kids when I'm done. So many of them are just the most wonderful kids and they're SO helpful and respectful and talented and it's just going to be really really strange to never see them again. Opening night is tomorrow, and I thankfully feel like I had another big grow on the lights again tonight. Still wish we could get cues, but hopefully it'll be okay. Nick is helping back stage now which is great because he's ridiculous but one of my favorite people.
Wearing my footies always makes me feel like I'm constantly getting hugged. It's nice.
Think I might get my ears pierced again tomorrow. Or Sunday... probs tomorrow just cause I'm feeling impulsive and why not and I'll have a little less than an hour between Marisa and Sierra.
I'm slowly and slowly and VERY SLOWLY losing weight. But I'm still proud and every little bit helps and I'm less tired and I eat better [sort of] and if I could stay the size I am for the rest of my life, I'd be okay. Obviously I want to be smaller, but my body type in general isn't meant to be tiny. Which is annoying... but that's life. My whole family is overweight, I don't think any of them weigh less than 250/300 pounds, some of them even more. I've never been over 200, and I never want to be. I suppose I'm lucky that I am as small as I am. I guess my dad isn't that overweight, just a beer belly, and he was adopted so for all I know his real parents are stick figures... but I don't know. I just feel like it will always be something I struggle with.
I just need to make peace with myself and my body before anything can really start to change. But I'm hoping writing everything out like this will help. Have a direct way to pour out anything I am thinking and let my brain put everything into words. I don't know. It's what I used to do in therapy and it seemed to work.
Still wish I had more friends.
I spent around $250 on clothes today. All part of my make me feel better about myself project. Which I know sounds so insanely selfish... but I've spent so much of my life lately living for other people. Living for the APPROVAL of other people. I just need to stop worrying about everyone else, and get my life in order. Make me comfortable with myself again.
I wrote this entire paragraph and deleted it because I can't seem to word correctly what I'm trying to say. The boy I met is mormon. I respect people who believe in god... religion, I am not a big fan of. I think people can take the belief in something spiritual and go too far. I wish you could believe in god, and live a good life, and work to be a good person without having so many limits and insanities and closed minded-ness. Me? I don't even believe in god. But I try and respect everyone's different beliefs. And I have friends of all different kinds of backgrounds and religions. And I'm okay with dating someone who is spiritual or believes in god. For me, being an athiest, I just don't think I could forge a relationship with someone's who's beliefs are the total polar opposite of mine. I try to lead a good life. I try to be nice to everyone I meet, love openly... I don't know. I have morals, despite not believing in a higher power. I feel like the word "athiest" comes with so much negativity... I don't know. But it was a slight disappointment cause he's an incredibly sweet guy, and I could have definitely been interested. Ah well. Such is life.
I realized again tonight how much I'm going to miss these kids when I'm done. So many of them are just the most wonderful kids and they're SO helpful and respectful and talented and it's just going to be really really strange to never see them again. Opening night is tomorrow, and I thankfully feel like I had another big grow on the lights again tonight. Still wish we could get cues, but hopefully it'll be okay. Nick is helping back stage now which is great because he's ridiculous but one of my favorite people.
Wearing my footies always makes me feel like I'm constantly getting hugged. It's nice.
Think I might get my ears pierced again tomorrow. Or Sunday... probs tomorrow just cause I'm feeling impulsive and why not and I'll have a little less than an hour between Marisa and Sierra.
I'm slowly and slowly and VERY SLOWLY losing weight. But I'm still proud and every little bit helps and I'm less tired and I eat better [sort of] and if I could stay the size I am for the rest of my life, I'd be okay. Obviously I want to be smaller, but my body type in general isn't meant to be tiny. Which is annoying... but that's life. My whole family is overweight, I don't think any of them weigh less than 250/300 pounds, some of them even more. I've never been over 200, and I never want to be. I suppose I'm lucky that I am as small as I am. I guess my dad isn't that overweight, just a beer belly, and he was adopted so for all I know his real parents are stick figures... but I don't know. I just feel like it will always be something I struggle with.
I just need to make peace with myself and my body before anything can really start to change. But I'm hoping writing everything out like this will help. Have a direct way to pour out anything I am thinking and let my brain put everything into words. I don't know. It's what I used to do in therapy and it seemed to work.
Still wish I had more friends.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Challenge
Today was the first tech of the first show I've ever stage managed. I will never be mean to a stage manager ever again. Well, that's probably a lie... but still. I also designed all the lighting, and since their cue system sucks, I have to manually cue everything and I am incredibly stressed about it. BUT. It'll be good. It has to be.
And I'm excited to finally be the one who's like 10 minutes til places!! Haha.
I love watching all my little ones up there. They're so unbelievably adorable, and there's a few of them who show insane potential. It's so fun to watch that at such a young age. I try to remember what I was like back then... but it's so biased that I really don't know. But this has been an incredible experience, and Saturday when the show ends I'm actually going to be legit sad =[ It's crazy how 4 weeks can bond you to people.
My goal right now is for when I go shopping, hopefully this Sunday, I can be realistic about my body type. Obviously clothes that look really good on my friends and I wish I could wear... I can't. And it's not me being negative about my body. It's just a fact that I think a lot of bigger people don't realize. And I'm not even THAT big. But I'm definitely no size zero that will look good in anything. I just always wish I could be someone who has clothing that make people go oh wow, where'd you get that! And stuff like that. I want people to notice me... doesn't everyone?
Got attention from the first guy in a long time. As soon as I told my friend there were like no ways for me to meet someone... well. Of course that just triggers it. I'm never going to see him again [probs] after Saturday, but god how good it feels to finally talk to a guy who doesn't know and have judgments about me. Who knows. He's probably gay anyway.
I wish some people in my life could realize how much I do for them. It's always so frustrating to give your all to people who don't really care one way or another about you. I don't know.
Hanging out with Mandy today was super nice =] it's always nice. And she always has the best stories! Or how she was talking about seeing this really hot guy at SPS and wanting to talk to him [she knew him though, wasn't just a stranger] and then HE HAPPENED TO BE AT CAPITAL LAKE right when we were!! And she went up and started talking to him and I was so proud. Haha.
Coffee with Sierra on Friday! Another one I enjoy. I just really like having friends here more my age [they're still younger than me... but I don't really see it] and who I really respect, who like me enough to hang out with me haha.
Believe it or not, this blog is self improvement. Not self hate.
And I'm excited to finally be the one who's like 10 minutes til places!! Haha.
I love watching all my little ones up there. They're so unbelievably adorable, and there's a few of them who show insane potential. It's so fun to watch that at such a young age. I try to remember what I was like back then... but it's so biased that I really don't know. But this has been an incredible experience, and Saturday when the show ends I'm actually going to be legit sad =[ It's crazy how 4 weeks can bond you to people.
My goal right now is for when I go shopping, hopefully this Sunday, I can be realistic about my body type. Obviously clothes that look really good on my friends and I wish I could wear... I can't. And it's not me being negative about my body. It's just a fact that I think a lot of bigger people don't realize. And I'm not even THAT big. But I'm definitely no size zero that will look good in anything. I just always wish I could be someone who has clothing that make people go oh wow, where'd you get that! And stuff like that. I want people to notice me... doesn't everyone?
Got attention from the first guy in a long time. As soon as I told my friend there were like no ways for me to meet someone... well. Of course that just triggers it. I'm never going to see him again [probs] after Saturday, but god how good it feels to finally talk to a guy who doesn't know and have judgments about me. Who knows. He's probably gay anyway.
I wish some people in my life could realize how much I do for them. It's always so frustrating to give your all to people who don't really care one way or another about you. I don't know.
Hanging out with Mandy today was super nice =] it's always nice. And she always has the best stories! Or how she was talking about seeing this really hot guy at SPS and wanting to talk to him [she knew him though, wasn't just a stranger] and then HE HAPPENED TO BE AT CAPITAL LAKE right when we were!! And she went up and started talking to him and I was so proud. Haha.
Coffee with Sierra on Friday! Another one I enjoy. I just really like having friends here more my age [they're still younger than me... but I don't really see it] and who I really respect, who like me enough to hang out with me haha.
Believe it or not, this blog is self improvement. Not self hate.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Can't Sleep
Have you ever wished you could change everything about your life? I have.
I'm not even that unhappy. I have a great life, incredible friends, there is so much that could be worse. But if I could do a big undo button on my life... I don't know. I can't decide if I would take that option.
It just sucks when the you everyone knows isn't the you you want to be anymore. I wish I could be friends with people I know don't really have an interest in a friendship with me. This year, being part of Krazy 8 really opened my eyes to the world I was never really part of. I had so much fun, incredible amounts of fun. But I never really felt included. And I guess it's never really gone away. I love my friends. But I'm only JUST starting to realize they're all two years younger than me. I never really think about it, because age doesn't matter to me. But I will always be the girl who can't seem to make friends her own age.
And of course I have Marisa, and Sarah, and Chelsea, and Brandee and others so I obviously do. But Marisa has her boyfriend, Sarah moved to Virginia, Chelsea's off at college, Brandee and my schedule is totally different... and everyone else, I don't know. I guess it just wasn't meant to last beyond High School.
I don't blame people though. I'm immature. I'm not trendy, or hip, or fashionable, or super talented or cute, I'm chubby and loud and insecure and have a really annoying laugh. And I'm okay with all of that. Or, you know, I like to think I am. These last two years I have learned to love myself as much as I can... but I still can't help feeling like there's something wrong with me.
How can you make people you want to like you like you, when you are who you already are, but maybe you're a little bit more but maybe you're just trying too hard?
Also giving up on love to try and have it sneak up on you is probably the most impossible thing you could ever do. Because you know you're only giving up to try and make it find you when you "least expect it" but then you're always expecting it so how does that work? I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend. How pathetic is that? Again. Everyone just knows you as the girl who fell for the one everyone makes fun of, and all you want is to see him the way everyone else does but you have him on this damn pedestal and you still want him after 3 years of him obviously not giving a shit. But every little look, every little flirty text sends you right back to the place you're trying so hard to get out of.
And everything about this just gives people a reason to make fun of you when you don't really understand what you did wrong to anyone in the first place.
I'm not even that unhappy. I have a great life, incredible friends, there is so much that could be worse. But if I could do a big undo button on my life... I don't know. I can't decide if I would take that option.
It just sucks when the you everyone knows isn't the you you want to be anymore. I wish I could be friends with people I know don't really have an interest in a friendship with me. This year, being part of Krazy 8 really opened my eyes to the world I was never really part of. I had so much fun, incredible amounts of fun. But I never really felt included. And I guess it's never really gone away. I love my friends. But I'm only JUST starting to realize they're all two years younger than me. I never really think about it, because age doesn't matter to me. But I will always be the girl who can't seem to make friends her own age.
And of course I have Marisa, and Sarah, and Chelsea, and Brandee and others so I obviously do. But Marisa has her boyfriend, Sarah moved to Virginia, Chelsea's off at college, Brandee and my schedule is totally different... and everyone else, I don't know. I guess it just wasn't meant to last beyond High School.
I don't blame people though. I'm immature. I'm not trendy, or hip, or fashionable, or super talented or cute, I'm chubby and loud and insecure and have a really annoying laugh. And I'm okay with all of that. Or, you know, I like to think I am. These last two years I have learned to love myself as much as I can... but I still can't help feeling like there's something wrong with me.
How can you make people you want to like you like you, when you are who you already are, but maybe you're a little bit more but maybe you're just trying too hard?
Also giving up on love to try and have it sneak up on you is probably the most impossible thing you could ever do. Because you know you're only giving up to try and make it find you when you "least expect it" but then you're always expecting it so how does that work? I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend. How pathetic is that? Again. Everyone just knows you as the girl who fell for the one everyone makes fun of, and all you want is to see him the way everyone else does but you have him on this damn pedestal and you still want him after 3 years of him obviously not giving a shit. But every little look, every little flirty text sends you right back to the place you're trying so hard to get out of.
And everything about this just gives people a reason to make fun of you when you don't really understand what you did wrong to anyone in the first place.
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