Facing Myself

I haven't been writing lately... cause bad thing after bad thing keeps happening and I have no idea how I'm supposed to deal with it, or keep pretending that I'm happy when all I want to do is cry all the time. And I know people are getting tired of me and bored with my whining but I can't seem to focus on anything else and it's just... so hard.

Since I know no one reads this I'm just going to say everything. The other day... It was Tuesday night I believe... I got this text from Ryan being like Question. And I was at a callback so I didn't get it for like two hours... and whatever none of this matters at all... but what does matter is he wants nothing to do with me. I'm not allowed to text him, or talk to him, or go over to his house... I bend over backwards for three years and just get tossed aside...

I came on here originally to type everything out, but after seeing Into the Woods tonight I just can't stop crying and I can't even bring myself to write about it... but there's two lines in the show that I just can't get over... both which Bailey sings and she does it so well and I just... couldn't deal with it tonight. "What is wrong with me mother?? Something must be wrong..." and "People make mistakes... yada yada... but no one is alone"

And I made a mistake and other people got involved and now I don't have my best friend and he said cruel things but I want nothing else than for it to just go back to before and he hates me and I can't even deal with myself. It's way too fucking hard and I'm just no good at it. I make way too many mistakes and I need to change and I'm so pathetic and this all just... sucks.

And all the plans I had for Halloween got blown up... and everyones out doing fun things but I wasn't invited to ANYTHING which of course just makes me feel absolutely wonderful about myself. So I'll be sitting at home. Alone. With no friends or anything to do... and everyone else will be having fun and I can't even talk to my best friend about it...


and just... what is wrong with me? Something must be wrong...