Can't Sleep

Have you ever wished you could change everything about your life? I have.

I'm not even that unhappy. I have a great life, incredible friends, there is so much that could be worse. But if I could do a big undo button on my life... I don't know. I can't decide if I would take that option.

It just sucks when the you everyone knows isn't the you you want to be anymore. I wish I could be friends with people I know don't really have an interest in a friendship with me. This year, being part of Krazy 8 really opened my eyes to the world I was never really part of. I had so much fun, incredible amounts of fun. But I never really felt included. And I guess it's never really gone away. I love my friends. But I'm only JUST starting to realize they're all two years younger than me. I never really think about it, because age doesn't matter to me. But I will always be the girl who can't seem to make friends her own age.

And of course I have Marisa, and Sarah, and Chelsea, and Brandee and others so I obviously do. But Marisa has her boyfriend, Sarah moved to Virginia, Chelsea's off at college, Brandee and my schedule is totally different... and everyone else, I don't know. I guess it just wasn't meant to last beyond High School.

I don't blame people though. I'm immature. I'm not trendy, or hip, or fashionable, or super talented or cute, I'm chubby and loud and insecure and have a really annoying laugh. And I'm okay with all of that. Or, you know, I like to think I am. These last two years I have learned to love myself as much as I can... but I still can't help feeling like there's something wrong with me.

How can you make people you want to like you like you, when you are who you already are, but maybe you're a little bit more but maybe you're just trying too hard?

Also giving up on love to try and have it sneak up on you is probably the most impossible thing you could ever do. Because you know you're only giving up to try and make it find you when you "least expect it" but then you're always expecting it so how does that work? I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend. How pathetic is that? Again. Everyone just knows you as the girl who fell for the one everyone makes fun of, and all you want is to see him the way everyone else does but you have him on this damn pedestal and you still want him after 3 years of him obviously not giving a shit. But every little look, every little flirty text sends you right back to the place you're trying so hard to get out of.

And everything about this just gives people a reason to make fun of you when you don't really understand what you did wrong to anyone in the first place.