Missing You

I only had my first two classes today, which was insanely great because I got out of school before noon. I was thinking about writing a blog dedicated to Sarah and how much I missed her... but no less than 3 seconds after I stepped into my house she called me!! She was listening to the radio and Come Sail Away was on [one of our many songs] and she was going to leave me a silly voicemail cause she thought I was in class, but NOPE. Then we skyped for 2 hours =] we've talked so much since she moved, it hardly feels like she's gone. Still wish I could call her and have stupid movie nights all the time... but she's happy where she is, a lot happier [family wise] than she was here and it's just better. I just miss my best friend! She is literally the one person I can tell EVERY SINGLE THING to, and she just is so much like me and I'm never going to find a friend like her ever again. Just sucks =[

I spent around $250 on clothes today. All part of my make me feel better about myself project. Which I know sounds so insanely selfish... but I've spent so much of my life lately living for other people. Living for the APPROVAL of other people. I just need to stop worrying about everyone else, and get my life in order. Make me comfortable with myself again.

I wrote this entire paragraph and deleted it because I can't seem to word correctly what I'm trying to say. The boy I met is mormon. I respect people who believe in god... religion, I am not a big fan of. I think people can take the belief in something spiritual and go too far. I wish you could believe in god, and live a good life, and work to be a good person without having so many limits and insanities and closed minded-ness. Me? I don't even believe in god. But I try and respect everyone's different beliefs. And I have friends of all different kinds of backgrounds and religions. And I'm okay with dating someone who is spiritual or believes in god. For me, being an athiest, I just don't think I could forge a relationship with someone's who's beliefs are the total polar opposite of mine. I try to lead a good life. I try to be nice to everyone I meet, love openly... I don't know. I have morals, despite not believing in a higher power. I feel like the word "athiest" comes with so much negativity... I don't know. But it was a slight disappointment cause he's an incredibly sweet guy, and I could have definitely been interested. Ah well. Such is life.

I realized again tonight how much I'm going to miss these kids when I'm done. So many of them are just the most wonderful kids and they're SO helpful and respectful and talented and it's just going to be really really strange to never see them again. Opening night is tomorrow, and I thankfully feel like I had another big grow on the lights again tonight. Still wish we could get cues, but hopefully it'll be okay. Nick is helping back stage now which is great because he's ridiculous but one of my favorite people.

Wearing my footies always makes me feel like I'm constantly getting hugged. It's nice.

Think I might get my ears pierced again tomorrow. Or Sunday... probs tomorrow just cause I'm feeling impulsive and why not and I'll have a little less than an hour between Marisa and Sierra.

I'm slowly and slowly and VERY SLOWLY losing weight. But I'm still proud and every little bit helps and I'm less tired and I eat better [sort of] and if I could stay the size I am for the rest of my life, I'd be okay. Obviously I want to be smaller, but my body type in general isn't meant to be tiny. Which is annoying... but that's life. My whole family is overweight, I don't think any of them weigh less than 250/300 pounds, some of them even more. I've never been over 200, and I never want to be. I suppose I'm lucky that I am as small as I am. I guess my dad isn't that overweight, just a beer belly, and he was adopted so for all I know his real parents are stick figures... but I don't know. I just feel like it will always be something I struggle with.

I just need to make peace with myself and my body before anything can really start to change. But I'm hoping writing everything out like this will help. Have a direct way to pour out anything I am thinking and let my brain put everything into words. I don't know. It's what I used to do in therapy and it seemed to work.

Still wish I had more friends.